You're Sinking.

You're Sinking Hannah. 

Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul. The word "thoughts''. Is quite terrifying, really. This simple word controls every aspect in your life if you think about it. Everything that matters anyway. Sometimes I lay there with hot tears rolling down my cheeks thinking about the hatred I have developed towards my own thoughts. They swallow my brain whole most nights. One after another pouring in, tearing away at any confidence I have tirelessly attempted to build in myself. I feel a sliver of pride in an accomplishment or obstacle I have overcome, immediately following that is a simple "thought". You're sinking Hannah...you're not going to rise above enough for just a gasp of air. Sure, you've done this right but it's only a matter of time before your whole world comes crashing down. again. It's almost as if no matter what I do, those thoughts are lingering in the background. Hannah...you are still sinking. I don't understand how my brain can develop such things against...itself. I find myself begging my own brain to turn my thoughts off. Aimlessly finding ways to distract myself from these thoughts pouring in and drowning me, again and again and again. A day filled with just enough distractions to convince myself "Hannah, you're okay now. You had a good day." Fear lurks in the background, creeping in slowly waiting for its chance to pounce. The second I'm alone, they've already made their way back in. HANNAH DON'T BE FOOLED, YOU ARE STILL GOING TO DROWN, YOU WILL SINK TO THE BOTTOM. Suddenly it's 3am and I am lying there, empty again. With not even enough left in me for another one of those "thoughts''. Though these thoughts are reoccurring and I battle them every single second of every single day. There will not come a day that I give up, in this war against myself. I will not back down from them and I will fight these battles until I have overcome them. I am not weak minded for this and I will not lose to them.

I will not sink.